Tough Times

These last few days have been rough for my family due to a very unfortunate event. About 10 weeks ago my wife and I learned that she was pregnant, something that we both wanted very much since our last child was born in 2007. So for the last 10 weeks we have been taking all the necessary steps to prepare our daughters, our house and our work schedules to welcome another child into our family. We also decided that we would break the news very slowly at first, making sure to share the news with immediate family and close friends and planning to tell everyone else after we had our first ultrasound.

That first ultrasound happened this last Friday, and for the first time we also had the kids with us in the room so they would be the first ones to hear their baby sister/brother’s heart beat… but we didn’t. After 5 minutes of unsuccessful attempts to grab the slightest sound or sign of a heart beat or even the faintest sign of movement, our doctor recommended that we try the ultrasound at the local hospital, as they had a more advanced machine and would be able to give us a more concrete diagnostic.

So we spent Saturday and Sunday agonizing over what would happen Monday morning when we were scheduled for the next session… and tried our best to have as much of a normal life one can have, trying to shield our children from the anxiety and 1000 horrible thoughts that kept creeping through our heads.

Yesterday we managed to get someone to watch over our kids and headed early to UNC Hospital for what we expected would be a life changing moment. I guess I could write about how we, my wife and I, agonized every single second until we were finally taken into the ultrasound room. How we held our breath waiting as the person operating the machine performed some routine checks and measurements, before she finally switched to the test we cared the most… and how heart breaking (how ironic) it was to hear only the silence coming off the heart monitor.

Needless to say we are very much heart broken and still trying to digest what just happened to us. I believe I am coping a bit better than my wife, but this feeling that I have things under control comes and goes in waves. She keeps going over and over what she could possibly have done differently, or what she may have done to endanger the life of our unborn child.

Late afternoon yesterday I broke the news to our oldest daughter, and after the initial shock she seems to have taken the news as well as a child is expected to take. She has been very supportive and is always telling her mom how much she loves her. However, I haven’t told our youngest one yet… She’s been looking forward to sharing her room with a new sibling and I don’t feel that we’re ready to tell her yet… but that day will most likely be some time this week.

As my wife had what the doctor called a “missed miscarriage”, the 10-week-old baby is still inside her and we now have to decide how to proceed with the removal and disposal of what once was a living human being. Tough decision to make, I assure you!

Our immediate family has been aware of the situation and has been extremely supportive, even though they’re spread across NY and NJ. Our pain is still very much fresh and we’re still debating what the next step will be. With Halloween literally around the corner, we will also have to make sure our kids are not affected by that next step, whatever it may be.

So I wanted to share a bit of our most intimate news with you all who follow me and my friends who near or far are very important to us…

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